True Friends

Yesterday was my birthday, and man did I have fun. At first I was upset though because I was worried that I do not have enough friends, and that the ones that I did invite would not show. I have always had that fear, the one where no one likes me and I have zero friends. The whole day Ian kept telling me that it will be fine, the people who matter will show. I didn’t allow his message to sink in until an hour into going out. After listening to me express how sad I felt about all of this he said, “Do you need more friends?” The answer is no, I have few friends, but they are great ones. It does not really matter if you have hundreds of sort of friends, what would truly be sad is if you don’t have any true friends. Lucky for me I have several true friends. True friends that absolutely care about me. Friends that don’t like to see me sad, friends that really will do anything for me. I have the most amazing boyfriend, who really is the best of true friends ever. He took care of me after I got hit by the car this summer, he has been there through the times where I have been so stressed that I just cry constantly, most importantly Ian opens my eyes to how wonderful my life is and how great my friends are.
Through out elementary, middle and high school kids play the game of attempting to acquire the most friends they possibly can. It is a contest, a popularity contest, through out school. These attempts to acquire a large group of friends that don’t even have to be good friends sometimes continues into adulthood. Well this chica has decided to retire as a friend collector and will be enjoying the amazing friends she has already found. I recommend that you do the same thing.

My Imagination and Kindness

Today I was stocking lids at work when all of a sudden this image of these two women came into my mind. They were dressed like they where in the South in the late 1960s and one of them seemed to be in with the ladies that were wealthy and the other was one of those that so desperately wants to be in their inner circle. The one that wants in was all excited that she was finally going to have her chance and the other looked so sad and was like “Oh honey, didn’t they tell you….” The other girl looked devastated and started thinking, “Oh well there is always next time.” This whole scenario just broke my heart, we have all been in that place where we so desperately want to be a part of something but we were not smart, cool, or pretty enough. Yes, I do know that I imagined this entire this, and I think that it should be pointed out that I do indeed have an amazing imagination. I also know that this pretty much means that I broke my own heart but, I think that it is fair to say that it is still the same message as it would have been if I had just witnessed all of this happen. I just so desperately want this to not be a reality, I don’t want this to happen anymore. I have known the feeling of being excluded when i was younger being the shy and quiet girl. I still will sometimes lose out on opportunities because I get so socially anxious. I always try to make sure that when I am in a big group of people, be it a volunteer trip or a night out in Denver, that no one feels left out. I do think that is the only thing that can be done, if you practice kindness it spreads. Cliche, I know. It is true though, happiness can be passed from person to person.

Your Fairy Godmother isn’t Real

I feel like we are all waiting for someone or something to come along and change our lives for the better. The real kicker is that for most of us, we know exactly which direction we would like for our lives to turn. I am not saying that we all know exactly what we want to do for the rest of our lives, I mean come on that is a lot to ask for. What I mean is that a lot of us have a pretty good idea what we would want to change. Like, to look as good as we did in high school, to start eating healthier, to meet a someone that will take care of us, or to be able to fold like a human pretzel. Yet, we sit hoping, waiting, and wishing that we have a fairy godmother that will swoop in and make all our dreams come true. Why is it that we do this? I think that it is because we are to afraid to make the effort. What happens if we fall? Failure is a scary thing, it is easier to be content to live in misery than to strive for that brilliant happiness. I know this is true because I have a tendency to not even want to try something because I hate being bad at things. It took forever for my boyfriend to convince me to try to play pool. Forget the orbits that all my friends like to play with. It is scary to think that I may hit myself or someone else with it, and frustrating to know that I am bad at it. But, dreams are bigger than being a bomb-ass pool player. Dreams are what the deepest part of your soul desires. Isn’t it kind of cruel to not give your soul what it wants? Ok, so it probably doesn’t hurt to deny your soul that  tenth brownie that it is screaming for. But, how will you ever know if you will like something, or be brilliant at it if you never take that leap of faith. Failure hurts but it makes you stronger and more determined. Do you think that any legend just woke up one day and the first time they tried what ever they made their name with they were amazing at it? Nooooo…. happiness comes from your own efforts not your fairy godmothers! So get out there my little wild things and get yours!

Why You Stop for Me Mr. Busdriver?

I have just gotten home from school and I have been hit with the overwhelming feeling of good in the world. I got on the bus and proceeded to entirely check out on the ride home when all of a sudden the bus stopped. I looked around and watched as nobody got up to get off at the stop. I looked around at the crossroads and realized this was my stop. I looked at the bus driver and he was just sitting in his chair with kind eyes and patience waiting for me to get off. I am 100% certain that I did not pull the bell, yet here I was at my stop with the doors open. I got off and as I was pulling out of my lala state I realized that he had stopped because he knew it was my stop and didn’t want me to miss it. I have only ridden with him maybe twice and he some how remembered me. How amazingable. I of course at first was like, woooow how did he remember me? Maybe it is the way I dress, I suppose it is very unique. Entirely absorbed in how awesome I am. Then I got to thinking, how kind was it for him to make an unrequested stop. He could have been a bitter man who knew that I needed to get of but was like “Fuck it, if she can’t be present enough to know to pull a bell then I am gonna just keep on driving.” It made me realize that not everyone is out to get you. Sure, it may feel like my Physics professor is trying to make us all fail his class…. in reality he is just a sweet old man who is trying his best and is encouraging us to ask questions if we don’t get it. In fact he is ok with being interrupted in the middle of a lecture to be interrogated with questions. You have to realize that ya, this is kinda shit…. but it is one part of my life. There are so many people out there that are willing to go out of their way to take time out of their day to help you out. So bitches stop whining and soak up the rays of kindness.

Make it Fun

I went rollerskating with Sarah, her brothers and one of their friends yesterday. It was the youngest one’s health promotion event through his elementary school and obviously I jumped at the idea of being surrounded my a gazillion little kids. Even though, they are not my fav little germ storing machines.  I have been sick lately, you know the kind where you can not swallow your own spit. But, I really wanted to go. So, I promptly packed up my backpack and ditched the rest of Physics when Sarah reminded me of the plan. My professor was just babble in my head anyways by 3:30 on a Friday. We drove over to Sarah’s dad’s, wrangled the boys and we were on our way. I was beyond excited to skate. Why? Not really sure. I can rollerblade, rollerskating is really a whole different story. We made up a complicated story in case we were interviewed on how we were all related. Sarah is the mom, Ryan is the biological father, Noah is the father they grew up with and I am Sarah’s new lesbian lover. Obviously Sarah is a little bit of a slut. Once we all laced up our skates there really was not a whole lot to do besides laugh because none of us had a flying chimpanzee’s idea how to do this. Well, except Noah who brought his own blades so he was flying around the rink being all good and shit. I think that most people take being grown up much to serious. “Oh this is dumb, who wants to skate in a circle for hours on end?” I also think that I am not one of those people, my mom is a kid at heart for life and I believe I will be likely to follow in her footsteps. It was so fun to revert to being a kid, skating around holding hands with Sarah, singing and dancing while skating to the music…. watching the boys roller derby! Sure, Noah may have cut me off resulting in a fall that included a new rip in the knee of my pants and some ripped of scar issue. It is also true though that my smile did not disappear for a second. Why should it when you are having fun?
 Once I saw a bumper sticker that said something along the lines of “We don’t stop having fun because we are getting older, we get older because we stop having fun.” I think this is a very wise sticker. The only way I could stop doing childishly fun things is if I made an active effort to do so. Why would I? Who says you need to be serious as an adult? There is no fracking manual to growing up. Write your own, and for fuck sake, make it a fun one.

Just a typical day at Vic's

Rae is Wild

 

Just take the music in

Zombies on the loose

 

 

Mommy I’m a Big Girl Now

I love the moments when you realize that you are an adult. Jeff and Sarah have just started making us a dinner. Onion and fancy cheese stuffed chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and green beans.

Sarah Cookin

In walks Shea and he has brought two bottles of wine to go with dinner. Ian has beer. It is all couples that eat together on Sundays. I can proudly say that my Mommy is not involved in any of this preparation. We are all out here on our own. Except we have formed these new little families, we are not really floating around bumping into things on our own. We are all bumping into things, learning together. Then Ian makes a “secret message” for Shea, and I remember that we are not really grown ups.

Secret Message

Thank goodness!

Lesson of the Sink

Today I learned an important lesson. Sarah and I had the eye opening experience of our bathroom flooding. Our sink was leaking and we figured how hard can it be to fix it ourselves? We had our neighbor Matt up in the bathroom tinkering with the faucet and it starts a yo-yo between better and worse. Sarah goes “Oh good now it goes both ways, wouldn’t it be great if the water just shoots out”. Hahahahaaaa ya that would be great…. tinker, tinker. BOOOOOOOM!!

The Faucet post explosion

Now the devil water is bursting out of the hot water handle and Matt puts his hand over it. Next thing we know we are throwing towels over it so it is not doing an impression of Old Faithful any more. Sarah is screaming “Oh shit, we are fucked” Matt is trying to figure out how to turn the water off with out being burnt by the water and I am remaining rational. “Sarah, go downstairs call someone to make this all stop, we can fix it.” The hot water eventually runs out and Matt gets the water off. Moments later, we have mopped up all the water with our entire store of towels and a dustpan. Sarah changes her shirt, yet still has wet boob spots. I look as though I am Jane of the Tarzan variety, even though I took the time to blow dry my hair my hair is huge and curly. Then there is Matt, poor Matt, he looks like he showered in his clothing and his hand has a huge round blister from his fast thinking. I can honestly tell you that I kind of had fun. How much more excitement can you ask for in the bathroom? I think that it is important I had fun. The thing is that the situation was not the best, we spent the night mopping up water and doing laundry. But, you have to find the good in every situation. Otherwise you are just left with a bad taste in your mouth. It is the same with life in general, you have to find the good in it. You can go through it feeling bitter about everything that is bad that comes your way, or you can find the pleasure in it. I choose pleasure!

Our lovely pile of mop towels

Lose Yourself to Find Yourself.

It is absolutely insane how fast you can lose yourself so quickly when someone new all of a sudden is in your life. I have the natural inclination to take everything at full throttle. I want to live every single moment to the fullest and apparently  will get myself super sick doing it. The best part is that I know I will immediately start over the minute I no longer have strep. Any ways, back to losing yourself in a new person. I go through this entire metamorphosis every time I meet someone new that I find absolutely fascinating. I wonder if I am losing myself every time I do this, or is it that I am finding a new piece of Elise? I have realized with in the last year that I have no idea who I really am. At first this made me feel really insecure and lost. Lucky me though, in walked Christy. She told me every day how efffing amazing I was. You know what they say, fake it until you make it. So, I started to pretend that I believed her. It turns out that it is true, I am amazingable. Meeting Christy was also the beginning of my punk rock phase. By this I mean reverting to the 90’s punk rock clothing style.

Christy and I at Tour de Fat. I am in my lovely 90's cat outfit!

 

I started hanging out with Morgan more who is fabulously girly, and had just put pink streaks in her beautiful strawberry blonde hair. Next thing you know my best roommate friend Sarah and I are over a huge mop sink bleaching and dying streaks into our hair. But, here is the thing I have realized. I did not just entirely switch identities. I built on it. I became even more funky, and had these huge streaks of pink everywhere and when I pulled my hair back to play soccer I looked bad fucking ass.

Morgan and out in Denver, I do miss the pink.

The best part about these streaks was that pink fades, but guess what…. your hair remains bleached. In walks my dad, who loves me quite possibly to the Enterprise Starship and back. He still feels like I am his little girl and wanted my hair back to its brunette magnificence. So he made a hair appointment and informed me that TC was going to color my hair. Here is the thing. I hate being told what to do, so I go into teenage rebellion mode, which is new for me. Really, I know it is ridiculous to start that phase at 21 almost 22, but I have never claimed to not be ridiculous. I walk into the hair appointment and tell TC I am going blonde.

Malibu Barbie Blonde!

In the middle of all this teenage rebellion going on I start to see Kyle again. Is he trouble or what. So, I enter this Malibu Barbie phase. What, with my new blonde hair and my love for dresses…. it seemed like a natural progression. Kyle always breaks me a little. He is a lot older and lets face it gorgeous. I get trapped in this Kyle time warp, I start to feel like I would like to be smarter, seeing as he is this brilliant nuclear energy guy I have a lot to live up to. Everything besides Kyle falls away and I start to lose focus on reality. As always I begin to convince myself that this time will be different, that he actually will respect me, that I am in control this time. Shocker, I am wrong and just about at my lowest again. This time I meet someone new though. Really, it is a whole new group of people. Ian, Shea and James. They are these wonderful hipsters that hang at the Downer playing pool most nights.

Me in Shea's Hipster Glasses with Ian being Weird behind me!

It sounds so stupid, but Sarah and I hanging out with these boys has really almost saved me from self destruction. Sure, drinking and late nights is not the best. But, I am not abusing my mental psyche like I did with Kyle. Really who has saved me most though is Ian. “Live Weird”, that is what he always says to me. Which is perfect because quite honestly I would not know how to live any other way. I have always wanted to live boldly and not blend. When I first met Ian I was dancing, which I have been told resembles a cheerleader on crack. Mid-dance he says “Girl, you are crazy and I love it”. That was the best thing someone has ever told me. It was confirmation that at my most natural state who I am is sublime. Here it is in one thick layer, the people you meet really are who defines the being you become. Maybe you do at times lose yourself in their identity, but you always do reemerge with new insight.

VICTORY!!