It is absolutely insane how fast you can lose yourself so quickly when someone new all of a sudden is in your life. I have the natural inclination to take everything at full throttle. I want to live every single moment to the fullest and apparently will get myself super sick doing it. The best part is that I know I will immediately start over the minute I no longer have strep. Any ways, back to losing yourself in a new person. I go through this entire metamorphosis every time I meet someone new that I find absolutely fascinating. I wonder if I am losing myself every time I do this, or is it that I am finding a new piece of Elise? I have realized with in the last year that I have no idea who I really am. At first this made me feel really insecure and lost. Lucky me though, in walked Christy. She told me every day how efffing amazing I was. You know what they say, fake it until you make it. So, I started to pretend that I believed her. It turns out that it is true, I am amazingable. Meeting Christy was also the beginning of my punk rock phase. By this I mean reverting to the 90’s punk rock clothing style.
I started hanging out with Morgan more who is fabulously girly, and had just put pink streaks in her beautiful strawberry blonde hair. Next thing you know my best roommate friend Sarah and I are over a huge mop sink bleaching and dying streaks into our hair. But, here is the thing I have realized. I did not just entirely switch identities. I built on it. I became even more funky, and had these huge streaks of pink everywhere and when I pulled my hair back to play soccer I looked bad fucking ass.
The best part about these streaks was that pink fades, but guess what…. your hair remains bleached. In walks my dad, who loves me quite possibly to the Enterprise Starship and back. He still feels like I am his little girl and wanted my hair back to its brunette magnificence. So he made a hair appointment and informed me that TC was going to color my hair. Here is the thing. I hate being told what to do, so I go into teenage rebellion mode, which is new for me. Really, I know it is ridiculous to start that phase at 21 almost 22, but I have never claimed to not be ridiculous. I walk into the hair appointment and tell TC I am going blonde.
In the middle of all this teenage rebellion going on I start to see Kyle again. Is he trouble or what. So, I enter this Malibu Barbie phase. What, with my new blonde hair and my love for dresses…. it seemed like a natural progression. Kyle always breaks me a little. He is a lot older and lets face it gorgeous. I get trapped in this Kyle time warp, I start to feel like I would like to be smarter, seeing as he is this brilliant nuclear energy guy I have a lot to live up to. Everything besides Kyle falls away and I start to lose focus on reality. As always I begin to convince myself that this time will be different, that he actually will respect me, that I am in control this time. Shocker, I am wrong and just about at my lowest again. This time I meet someone new though. Really, it is a whole new group of people. Ian, Shea and James. They are these wonderful hipsters that hang at the Downer playing pool most nights.
It sounds so stupid, but Sarah and I hanging out with these boys has really almost saved me from self destruction. Sure, drinking and late nights is not the best. But, I am not abusing my mental psyche like I did with Kyle. Really who has saved me most though is Ian. “Live Weird”, that is what he always says to me. Which is perfect because quite honestly I would not know how to live any other way. I have always wanted to live boldly and not blend. When I first met Ian I was dancing, which I have been told resembles a cheerleader on crack. Mid-dance he says “Girl, you are crazy and I love it”. That was the best thing someone has ever told me. It was confirmation that at my most natural state who I am is sublime. Here it is in one thick layer, the people you meet really are who defines the being you become. Maybe you do at times lose yourself in their identity, but you always do reemerge with new insight.